"Honey, do you think you might have post-partum depression?"

It was a few days after my birthday (November 26th), and we were sitting on the couch at the end of an especially trying day.  At least, I thought it was especially trying.  Looking back, it was probably just an ordinary day.  The way I was responding to each day was anything but ordinary, though.  After watching me turn into a shell of myself for nearly a month, Philip finally had the courage to ask that night,

"Honey, do you think you might have post-partum depression?"

Instead of immediately jumping into defense mode or attacking him, I sat quietly.  I probably sat silent for ten seconds before I said, "Honestly?  I don't know.  You know more about it than I do.  Pretend I'm a patient, and ask me the questions."

"Okay, I'll rattle off the symptoms, and you tell me 'yes' or 'no.'"

"Okay."

"Are you anxious?"

"Yes."

"Tired?"

"Yes."

"Have poor or increased appetite?"

"Yes."

"Irritable?"

"Yes."

"Is it easy to make you cry?"

"Yes."

"Do you feel depressed?"

"Yes."

"Honey, I think you have post-partum depression."

I knew he was right.  I was nursing Harry, and I started sobbing.  I told Philip I thought he was right.  We spent the next hour talking about what our next move would be.  I said that going to just any doctor made me nervous.  I'm not anti-medicine.  Heck, I married a doctor!  I just wanted to make sure I was going to see someone that would treat whatever underlying condition was going on rather than immediately place me on an anti-depressant.

Then, I had an idea.  I remembered when we were learning about the Creighton Model at Pope Paul VI Institute during our engagement that they treated post-partum depression with hormone therapy.  I knew I needed to have a yearly physical anyway, so I suggested that I could see someone at a local Catholic medical practice called Sancta Familia.  I knew at least one of their nurse practitioners received her training through Pope Paul VI Institute and would first try working with my body to see if there was something happening with my hormones that was throwing me out of whack.  Then, if the hormone therapy didn't work, we could look into the possibility of a chemical imbalance and pursue antidepressant treatment.  I just didn't want antidepressants to be my first step in case it was something else.  Using the Creighton Model in our marriage taught me what a significant impact our hormones place on our day-to-day living.

We talked about how life couldn't continue as it had, but I still wasn't sold that I had post-partum depression.  Harry was 4 months old.  I thought, "Doesn't post-partum depression only happen during a short window after delivery?  Maybe this is just straight-up depression."

We talked more about how I was feeling and what my days were like.  The other main reason I didn't think it could be post-partum depression was that I wasn't weepy.  I assumed I had to be weepy, not wanting to have anything to do with my baby, and not wanting to get out of bed.  That wasn't me at all.  If anything, I bonded with Harry much faster than I did with Jane and Walt.  Since I didn't nurse Jane or Walt more than a few weeks, breastfeeding helped to cement my bond with Harry quickly.

How could I be depressed?  Look at that face!  My life is so blessed!

Instead of being weepy or wanting to stay in bed, my biggest symptom was extreme anger.  Although I never feared that I would harm the kids or myself, I couldn't believe how quickly I could go from 0-60.  The tiniest things would set me off.  I could be making lunch and hear Jane knock over a tower that Walt had built.  I would lose it.  I would clap my hands together, yell, and physically carry her to a timeout.   I felt like I could punch a hole through the dry wall with all of the anger and frustration.  I felt like I was watching myself raise the children.  In those moments, I would hear myself yelling while I thought, "Why are you doing this?  Why are you yelling at the children?  You're a monster!"  I knew something was terribly wrong when Jane added to the end of our prayer before lunch, "God, please help Mommy not to be so angry.  Amen."

I wasn't engaged with anything we were doing.  It had to be more than new mom exhaustion.  Even though it's a wild job taking care of three kiddos three and under and being married to a pediatric resident, the day-to-day shouldn't have been bringing me to where I was--the depths of despair.  I woke up every morning and thought, "How am I going to do this?  God, help me.  Just help me to make it to the end of the day."  Harry is a fantastic sleeper, so lack of sleep couldn't explain the extreme exhaustion I felt.  I felt like I was drowning.  I felt like no matter how much I did each day, it was never enough, and I never felt like what I did was good enough.

When it came to my relationship with Philip, I was sick of our routine of fighting at the end of each day.    When Philip asked me if I thought I had post-partum depression, I realized why things had been so bad between us.  I spent all of my energy trying to keep it all together for the kids during the day, and by the time he got home, I had nothing left to give.  I interpreted every comment he made as a criticism.  I nit-picked every helpful thing I saw him doing.  When he asked me how my day was, I either responded with a laundry list of every thing that went wrong or a one word, "awful."  I resisted or brushed off his attempts to be affectionate.  In turn, the combination of all of my  behaviors made Philip cold and distant, always walking on eggshells to avoid a blowup.  It became a vicious cycle, each of us mirroring the other's behavior, continuing to fuel each other's frustration.

Fortunately, Philip was brave enough to ask the tough question.

That night on the couch, I told Philip between sobs, "I hate who I am.  I want to be me again.  I'm sorry for being a bad wife.  I'm sorry for being a bad mother.  Let's make the appointment tomorrow."

Philip assured me that I was a great wife and mother and that he would do everything he could to help us get back to normal.  After we hugged, I said, "I am so relieved.  I didn't want to admit that something was wrong because I was so afraid that this was just the new normal.  I felt so guilty because our life is so blessed.  We have a great marriage, this beautiful home, our beautiful children, our family, our health, but I still feel like none of it matters.  Hearing you say that what's been going on could be because of a medical condition is actually a relief.  I am ready to get on with life and start enjoying it again."

A few days later, I was pulling up to Sancta Familia to say, "I think I might have post-partum depression."

*     *     *

I'll pick up next time with my appointment at Sancta Familila.  I'll talk about my treatment plan, the ups and downs, and what things are looking like lately.  In the meantime, all of your prayers and support are greatly appreciated.

Small Success Thursday #2

Here are some of our small successes from this week:

Harry can finally stand in his exersaucer without a pillow underneath.  Yay!  He still needs a blanket stuffed behind him, but he loves having a new place to play.  His favorite part is twirling himself around.  I love the face he's giving the leopard or whatever it is in this picture.

I think I found a solution to not having art on the walls in Jane & Walt's room.  I want to do something inexpensive that will display their art.  I found this post on Pinterest, and I'm so excited to make these ourselves!  They're cabinet doors that you sponge roll in the center and add a metal clip to hold the art.  Cute, huh?

I've been decluttering this place like a boss!  We're going to list the house in a little more than a month, so there's plenty to do.  Here's our fridge before (with Christmas cards) and after.

I had a very successful 2-hour shopping outing by myself on Monday morning.  My dear friend, Kelly, offered to take the kids for me, and I ran around this city like wild!  Isn't she the best?  I know, it's ridiculous how blessed I am in the friend department.  I made stops at 4 different stores.  It's amazing how much you can accomplish when you're alone!  I was at Home Depot, The Dollar Tree, Garden Ridge, and Lakeshore Learning.  What a morning!  
I'm most excited to share that I finally got things printed off and laminated for the calendar center I'm creating for our pseudo-homeschooling area.  I got a great bulletin board on clearance, and I've been adding items to make the calendar my own.  I'll write more on that another time.  It's still a work in progress.  Here's a little preview.

Harry's been extra needy lately, so he's been spending a lot of time in my Ergo carrier.  I didn't use it much when he was a newborn since I struggled to get him in and out by myself with the big infant insert.  Now that he's a little bigger and has better neck control, it's a cinch to get him in and out by myself.  He's happy cuddled up right next to me, and I'm able to get things done around here hands-free.  The extra cuddling is nice for both of us.  I'm able to make & serve meals, fold laundry, wash & put away dishes, etc., etc.  Yay, multi-tasking!

Other than that, we're busy maintaining our new schedule around here, and the kids are loving it.  They beg for "circle time" everyday, and they loved finally showing it to Philip last Saturday morning when he was home.  Pseudo-homeschooling is fun, and our "classroom" area is coming together nicely.  The former teacher in me loves getting to laminate on a regular basis!  

Your turn!  What are your small successes this week?  Come on over to CatholicMom to share and join in the fun!  If you're using social media, use the hashtag #SmallSuccess.

A New Year Challenge (especially for parents)

I'm a little delayed in this announcement, but I wanted to be sure and pass along a fantastic resources for your daily Scripture study.  If you follow the daily Mass readings, be sure to stop by CatholicMom for the Daily Gospel Reflections.  If you've always wanted to but never have, what better time to start than at the beginning of a new year?!

Starting on January 1, a different CatholicMom contributor shares a reflection on that day's Gospel reading.  These are short, inspiring, and accessible reflections to help bring God's Word to the center of your life.  

I joined the Gospel Reflection Team, and my reflections will start being published the 12th of every month.  I am very excited to have this extra nudge to engage on a deeper level with Sacred Scripture.  Also, can I tell you how amazing it is to open up the Gospels and actually understand the context in which Jesus was living because of studying Jeff Cavins' Bible Timeline?!  SO AWESOME!  (Note:  I took this month "off" and asked another writer to take my reflection so that I could focus on getting the house ready to sell.  My reflections start next month.)

To access the daily Mass readings, come here.
To access the CatholicMom Gospel reflections, come here.

My challenge to you (and myself):
I challenge you to read the readings for Mass on Sunday before Mass.  I know this has been especially helpful for me as a mother of young children.  It's tempting to say that you "don't get anything out of Mass" with little ones in tow, but, let's get real--we're getting Someone out of the Mass every time we receive Christ in the Eucharist.  When we think about it like that, it's downright embarrassing to think we'd even be tempted to say that we're "not getting anything out of Mass."  Gulp.  

If we can take the extra time to engage with the Liturgy of the Word before Mass, it will enrich our participation in the Liturgy of the Eucharist.  We may not get to hear every single word being said, but allowing the Word to be on our hearts before we walk into the sanctuary is a powerful practice.  We'll be better prepared to connect the dots between the readings and Father's homily.  Philip and I are going to make it a point to discuss the readings and Father's homily after Mass.  Between the two of us, we should be able to get the whole message and learn from one another's insights.  As an added bonus, we'll be better prepared to pass on the Faith to your children because of our extra engagement with God's Word.  Everyone wins!    

If you're already reading the Mass readings for Sundays, I challenge you to read at least one of the other day's Scripture readings.  Read them with the Catechism at your side (or find it online here), and begin to see how intrinsic God's Word is to the Catholic Faith.  Bonus points if you actually get to Mass on a day other than Sunday and hear the Word being proclaimed!

I hope you'll enjoy the daily CatholicMom Gospel reflections and begin to deepen (or just begin!) your appreciation of God's love letters to you.  He won't disappoint you for making the effort!

Question:
What do you and your other family members do to deepen your relationship with God's Word?  Please share!

Godmother & Goddaughter Book Club

I can't believe I haven't written about this yet!  

I am oh so very blessed to be a godmother to three precious children.  One of my godchildren is my niece, Meghan.  

Jane & Meg, looking all fancy on Christmas Eve.  Meg is such a great big cousin to the little guys.

This fall, Meghan and I were chatting about our favorite books.  We talked about how much we like reading and how we are always starting new books.  Then, the idea hit me.  I asked Meg if she would be interested in reading the same book and talking about it over smoothies or a treat during her Christmas vacation.  I said it would be our own Godmother & Goddaughter Book Club.  

Meg excitedly agreed, and we decided on Anne of Green Gables.  Meg had read Anne a few months prior, and she said she wanted to re-read it because she liked it so much.  I, on the other hand, hadn't read it since fourth grade, and I was excited to read it again.  I never would have imagined when I read Anne for the first time that the second time I'd be reading it would be on an iPad--and for a Book Club with my goddaughter!

Eventually, Christmas break rolled around, and we set our date for our first Book Club.  When I picked Meg up, she was soooooooo adorably nervous and excited.  She had a drawstring bag with her and looked raring to go.  I didn't want to make her nervous, so I didn't ask what was inside.  We said goodbye to my nephews, brother, and sister-in-law, and made our way to a local cupcake café for our Book Club date.    

Unfortunately, I went to pay for our delicious treats, I realized that I had left my wallet in the diaper bag when I put together my purse.  Oh, the woes of a young mother!  I apologized to Meg, and we made the trip back to my house to pick up my wallet.  I ended up being glad for this happy accident because the car ride was a nice opportunity for Meg to warm up.  

I suggested that Meg open her card and present for her birthday (which is December 28th).  I wanted to make sure we had a celebration apart from Christmas.  The card had a cute multiple choice quiz (you know, like all of the teeny bopper magazines).  Meg read all of the questions, we shared our answers, and we laughed about why we chose them.  Then, Meg opened her present.  I gave her the DVD of Little Women (the 1994 one with Susan Sarandon & Winona Ryder).  I was tickled pink that she looked genuinely excited about it.  She had told me that read had read it, but she hadn't seen the movie.  Yay!

Eventually, we made it back to the cupcake café, reordered our treats, and made our way to a table.  We both had raspberry chocolate cupcakes.  Meg had a chocolate, and I had a caramel latté.  (Doesn't Godmother & Goddaughter Book Club already sound awesome?!)

I am so glad we had to car ride to warm up our conversation, because Meg adorably jumped right in to Book Club chat.  She pulled out her drawstring bag.  Inside, she had a folder and a paperback copy of Anne.  The folder contained a few pages of paper that Meg had written discussion questions on--in purple marker.  *Sigh*  The cuteness was killing me.

   
"So," Meg asked, "which character did you like the most?"  Isn't she good?  The former teacher in me was so proud!  Meg definitely knew the ins and outs of the book, and she was anxious to share her thoughts about the story.  We applied the story to our own lives.  We talked about bullies.  We asked each other if we had ever been in similar situations.  We asked each other what we would have done about some scenes.  The whole thing was so much fun, and I loved hearing Meg's interpretation of the story from her sweet, innocent view.  

One of my favorite parts of our discussion was when we got to the scene in the story where Anne inadvertently gets her friend Diana drunk.  Anne served Diana currant wine that she thought was raspberry cordial.  Meg said, "When I read that part, I told my mom that I thought this book was inappropriate!"  *Sigh*  I know, isn't she the greatest?

Two hours after I had picked her up, we decided that we should get going, but not before taking a picture capturing our fun day.

I love that she's holding up her copy of the book.  I didn't even notice that until I saw the picture.

On our way back to Meg's house, we decided that our first Godmother & Goddaughter Book Club meeting was such a success that we needed to have a second.  Since I had given Meg the Little Women DVD, she decided she wanted to reread the book.  We are having our second Godmother & Goddaughter Book Club meeting around Easter, and I can't wait!

What fun traditions do you have with your godchildren?  Do you have special outings or keep in touch in a unique way?

Small Success Thursday #1

Here are some of our small successes for this week:

• Pseudo-homeschooling Jane and Walt is off to a great start.  We all love our new schedule, and we've done some fun activities.

So excited about using scissors!

Scissor practice is serious work, people.

"A" is for Angel.  Jane didn't think craft time would be nearly as fun without party hats.  Walt politely declined.

• We scored some free moving boxes.  Just a few.

Yeah, all of the kids were in the car.  It was totally safe!

• Philip signed up for the Lincoln half marathon in May.  I am so proud of him!  He's been waking up every morning this week at 5 to workout.
• I've been waking up at 6 for some quiet prayer time before the kids wake up.
• I shared on the ol' blog that I have (or am recovering from?) Post-Partum Depression.  Man, it feels good to have that out there!  More on that later.
• Our Wise Men are still dutifully searching for the Baby Jesus.  They haven't forgotten to move yet!  They keep getting themselves in trouble, though.

Apparently their camel is really into the cheddar penguin crackers.  They're a speciality.

Your turn!  What are your small successes this week?  Come on over to CatholicMom to share and join in the fun!  If you're using social media, use the hashtag #SmallSuccess.

Ramblings As The Kids' Naptime Winds Down

Talented writers and grammarians of the world, please forgive me for this post.  I know I'm nearing the end of the children's nap time, and I just had to get this post out.  It won't be pretty, and it probably won't sound right, but it'll get the job done.

I can't write another word until I mention how stinkin' proud I am of Amanda for sharing her story in our series on infertility.  If you missed it, please check it out.  I love you, Amanda!  My blog was more popular than ever with your beautiful presence (averaging about 500 hits per day), so I think you should come back more often!   Ha!  Really, though, thank you for being such a treasure.  Love you!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!  I just adore celebrating the New Year.  I love fresh starts of any kind.  Ever since I started staying home with Jane, I even started liking Monday mornings.  

As part of my fresh start for the year, I am buying my own brand spanking new domain name for the blog.  Hallelujah is My Song has been a great home for a few years (have I already been blogging that long?!), but it's time to move on to my own domain.  I will probably launch within the next few weeks. Until then, I am busy transferring my content and trying to make it look pretty.  Any of you enjoy doing that kind of thing?  Wanna help a girl out?  Let me know!  You will be famous for designing the Catherine Boucher's personal blog!  ;)  

Aside from launching the new and improved blog, I am busy creating a schedule for myself and the kiddos.  I recently re-discovered Nanny 911 of Netflix.  It's funny watching shows at different points in your life.  When I watched the show in college, I used to think, "Idiots.  These parents have no idea what they're doing!  If I were this brat's mom, I'd ________..."  Then, we had kids.  When I watched an episode last week, I thought things like, "Aw, that poor mom.  I just want to give her a hug.  Ooooooo, Nanny, great idea!  I should TOTALLY be doing that!"  

This is my long way of saying that Nanny suggests creating a master schedule for the home.  This way, stay-at-home parents don't look at a full day with little children and get overwhelmed with all of the time on their hands.  While the kids and I have had a relatively structured home life, I look forward to having dedicated time to specific activities.  I'm still working out a few kinks and deciding exactly which activities to add/scratch, but it's been great!  The kids and I are THRIVING with our new schedule!  I'll share the specifics in a future post.

I'm pseudo-homeschooling the kids throughout the day.  That's my way of saying we have more structure around these parts and some real deal learning happening.  My favorite addition to our schedule is "Circle Time" in the morning.  The kids and I sit on a blanket in the family room.  We start with our Morning Offering, then we have calendar time (talk about the year, month, day of the week, review yesterday/today/tomorrow, etc.), virtue of the week (I'm really liking PATIENCE!), morning stretches to get our wiggles out, etc.  We switch activities every 15-30 minutes.  The kids love it, and so do I. 

OK, the last thing.  The really big thing.  The thing that's been taking over for about the last two months.  I need your prayers.  I've been battling Post-Partum Depression.  Philip very lovingly helped me to realize it, and I've found help in a fabulous local Catholic medical apostolate.  It's still a day-to-day journey, but overall, I'm doing much better.  The combination of my treatments (progesterone therapy), reaching out to family & friends, and our new schedule at home are all helping tremendously. I would adore any and all prayers you can offer up for us--especially for Philip, who has been my knight in shining armor by my side.  I plan to write more about all of that, but I wanted to be sure and ask for your prayers right now.  Please and thank you, prayer warriors.

St. Joseph, patron saint for our family in 2014, pray for us!

The Cross of Infertility With Amanda Teixeira (Part 4 of 4)

If you’re just stumbling upon this series, please do yourself a favor, and read Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3.  In Part 1, I introduced the series, and my dear friend, Amanda Teixeira, stole the show with her captivating love story with her husband, Jonathan.  In Part 2, Amanda helped us to understand what infertility feels like.  In Part 3, Amanda shared what NOT to do or say when a loved one is facing infertility.  

In Part 4, Amanda gives us ideas how TO support a loved one facing infertility.  We also discussed how faith plays in to all of this, how Amanda and Jonathan support one another, the best ways for friends with children to support them, resources for couples facing infertility, and Amanda’s closing thoughts.

Just like in Parts 1-3, my questions appear in red italics, and Amanda’s responses appear in regular type.

*     *     *

Part 4 of The Cross of Infertility

How TO Support a Loved One Facing Infertility

What are some of the most helpful and healing things others have said or done?  What made these gestures so moving?

1. Praying for and with us.

We know many people have actually prayed novenas with and for us. Others have offered Masses and told us. Still others have included us on their pilgrimages to holy sites or brought us blessed religious articles from different places across the world. These are really comforting to us. These gestures make us feel like we aren’t alone. Others are physically helping us carry the cross in these actions.

2. Inviting us over and opening their lives to us.

Several other couples who struggle with infertility have taken us under their wings. I always walk away from those convos refreshed and ready to keep carrying the cross.

Even fertile couples inviting us over to actually join them in their lives is incredibly healing for us. We get to be around a family and the realities of what it’s like to have kids around. This never makes us jealous or sad. We just enjoy feeling welcomed into the life of others’ families and it helps Jonathan and I feel more like a family even if it’s just us two. It also gives us hope of what might be in store for us someday.

3. Asking us how they can help.

This really takes boldness, and I really appreciate it when a friend asks this. Infertility is like being on the cross with Jesus. I am totally linked to him. I am well aware that we are asking a LOT of our friends and family to be near us in the struggle. It’s like when Jesus was on the cross - only Mary, John, and a few women stood nearby. It took tremendous amounts of courage to stay by Jesus on the cross and in turn, it takes a lot of courage to ask people to stand with us while we hang on the cross. Most people won’t have the emotional ability to stay with us, and I know that. But those willing to try and stick near us...I treasure with all my heart because they are far and few between.

4. Sending us notes/gifts/gift cards to go have fun with.

We’ve had people send us groupons or gift cards to go out to eat or to grab coffee. Yes, we’re busy with work and some outside of work activities but yea, we have time on our hands. Time I all too often resent. When family/friends intentionally step in the gap and try to help me enjoy the time, I am thankful.

Once, I even got flowers with an encouraging message on a day I had some particularly difficult blood tests that a friend knew about. I can’t tell you how loved I felt in that moment.

5. Asking us how we are doing.

There is a difference between really asking this and just being nosy. Everyone knows the difference. The sincere asks are refreshing to me. If I don’t feel like answering, I will let you know. More often than not, I am carrying this burden alone with Jonathan and just praying someone will ask me how I am really doing. It’s healthy for me to vent from time to time and open up to people who really care about me.  I appreciate sincere people wanting to know how I am doing, especially because I feel awkward bringing this topic up because I don’t want to burden others.

One of the questions pregnant gals get ALL THE TIME is “how are you feeling?” I’ve never been pregnant, but in FOCUS I am surrounded by pregnant women EVERYWHERE, and so I hear it a lot. For the infertile girl, this question is hard and awkward and most people don’t ask because they simply can’t handle the suffering that will definitely come forth...which is why I am grateful for mature friends and family who willingly walk right into the hurt with me and open a door for me to share my heart.

Being faithful Catholics, how does God play a role in all of this for you and Jonathan?  Do you distinguish between God's ordained will and His permissive will in regards to your fertility?

This has been one of the hardest questions for us to struggle with honestly.

Questions that bounce through my mind: “Why would God, the author of all life, put a baby in the womb of a woman who will surely go abort it?” or “Why would God put a baby in the womb of a woman whose family will abuse the child?” or even, “Since God hasn’t blessed us with life, does that mean he doesn’t want us to be parents or we would be bad parents?”

There are no answers when I throw these questions at God. Usually only silence. All I do know is that he doesn’t want any child aborted or abused, and he doesn’t want me to suffer and feel like he hates me. But that is all I know. My life is surrounded with dozens of unanswered questions, as many peoples lives are with a variety of sufferings they endure.

What are the best ways that you support Jonathan?  What are the best ways that he supports you?  

Best way to support Jonathan? To be attentive to spending time with him and verbally tell him how happy I am to be married to him/value him in my life. I mentioned previously that he sometimes fears I hate my life married to him without babies...so I have to reassure him of my affections despite my sadness.

Best ways he can support me? Taking me on adventures and helping me put my dreams into a reality. For example: I have been wanting to run a half-marathon lately. Jonathan is helping research races across the country in fun places like California or Florida so we can train together and have something to look forward to.

What are the best moves for friends with children to do?

Keep me in their lives. I think people with children are afraid to talk to me about their children in fear I will have a meltdown. If someone is bragging about their kids to me, yea, I will get annoyed, but so would anyone.

If a friend with children is simply sharing a hilarious story or wants to talk (without complaining) about how tough it is to be attentive to their older children while they battle sleepless nights with a newborn, I am all ears. That’s their reality, and I want to be a part of it, not shut out. I have the emotional maturity to be a good friend even if I am not blessed with kiddos myself.

Now, there may be seasons when I simply keep my own distance, and don’t think I hate you or anything. I am likely just grieving the most recent bad news (failed treatment, return of an infection, another negative pregnancy test, got 15 pregnancy announcements from other FOCUS women, etc.). I’ll be back. I just might not be able to accept your invitation to come over or attend that Baby Shower you are hosting for a friend.

What resources are available for couples facing infertility?  What encouragement and support would you offer them?

1. Naprotechnology. http://www.naprotechnology.com/

2. Blogs. http://truegoodandbeautiful.net/archives/my-favorite-infertility-blogs

3. Books.

- Infertility companion for Catholics

- My Sisters the Saints (LOVE THIS BOOK!!!)

4. Counseling.

5. Prayer, Spiritual Direction, and Confession.

I can’t stress this foundation enough. With infertility, daily prayer is vital to warding off despair. Spiritual direction will also keep you sane. And confession…it will be necessary use this Sacrament to dispel lies from the Devil you slip into believing.

OTHER THOUGHTS

I thought ending the series with something positive and uplifting would be best, since I feel like much of what I have to say is sad, confused, and bitter at times - which isn’t the whole of it. So I made up a question or you could weave what I have to say into the ending of the last blog post.

How have you grown in your relationship with God during this time?

Sometimes I feel like I haven’t. There are days I feel I am backsliding in my faith at best..I’ve actually cussed God out a time or two in my weakest moments. Pretty bad, right?

But then I look back on my faith from years ago. It was strong, yes, but it hadn’t been tested. Now, with infertility, I feel as if I’ve been through the fiery furnace only to be sent right back through it again every time another cycle starts. Yep, there are days my faith is hanging on by a string. But most days, a sense of abandonment, surrender, wonder and awe, trust, perspective, humility, and wisdom come over me.

I feel 110% dependent on God alone...mostly because I literally can’t DO anything to take my cross away. I know how weak I am and I quit trusting myself a long time ago with this cross. It’s all Him now. My life finds its identity in God because He’s the only One who can’t let me down. Everything else is passing to me.  I long for heaven. I don’t care about my plans because His are better even if they don’t feel better right now.

Sometimes I think God gave me the cross of infertility to force me into total surrender because I never would have gotten there any other way. That makes me grateful. I’ve always prayed that my life would be about Him and bringing Him glory. That my life would look like His. I really believe infertility is an answered prayer (rarely!!!! but I do sometimes) because I don’t know if I would have been linked to Jesus through any other means. I get to be with him on the cross...and so it’s only a matter of time until he brings the resurrection into my life. What a sweet day that will be indeed.

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Amanda, thank you so much for opening your heart and spilling out everything--your pain, your longing, your hope, and the truth about everything in between. Thank you for helping all of us reading to better understand how to love you and anyone we know carrying the cross of infertility. I am so proud to call you my dear friend. I pray that this blog series will help the rest of us unburden you from carrying this cross alone. You are a treasure!