Taking Good Advice

I wrote a few weeks ago about our struggles to get through Mass with two children under two.  Since then, a friend who is a mother of four shared a story.  

An older man came up to her one day after Mass and commended her for bringing her young children.  He told her that they belong there.  Unless they are truly being disruptive, they belong in there and need to learn that they belong in the church.  The noise is always loudest in your pew, and you're always going to notice it more than everyone else.   

Of course I teared up when I heard the story.  What's not to love about an older man telling a young mom that she's doing a good job and that her children belong in the church during Mass?  She said that the experience forever changed her perspective, and it changed mine.  

She said if we're going to say that we're pro-life, the babies belong with us in church, not relegated to some crying room.  She said that unless the child is distracting others, the child stays in the pew.  Once they are disruptive, they are promptly removed from the church and have to endure a time-out in the narthex.  Once they calm down, they are allowed back in.  

We were doing it all wrong.  Jane was "playing us."  Nobody wants to admit that their toddler is outsmarting them, but my friend was right.  Jane knew that she got to run around in the narthex if she got squirmy in our arms and whined in church.  I think I knew this on some level, and I told my friend that.  I was just falling into the easy trap of getting lazy with discipline when it involves my own embarrassment.  So, if Jane was going to embarrass me with a temper tantrum in church, it was much easier to end it by letting her run around the narthex.  I sure as heck didn't want to endure the screaming, snotty scene during consecration under the scrutiny of everyone in the congregation.  Taking the easy way out was teaching Jane that she could manipulate us to get what she wanted, and it only made the problem worse.

Kids are smart.  We're dumb.  They think.  "OH!  So, let me get this straight.  I freak out in public.  Mom and Dad panic.  I get what I want.  I gotta keep doing this."  Just look at these toddler girls.  They know how to work it, and so did Jane at church.    

Well, we're onto you, Jane!  It's a new regime at Mass for the Boucher family.  We've been allowing Jane to play with her "Busy Bible" and other religious books and walk between us in the pew.  We bring a sippy cup full of water if she needs it, too.  Aside from the water, we have a no food rule in church.  Philip no longer allows Jane to struggle in his arms without a consequence.  When she starts to throw a tantrum, Philip quickly removes her from church and she has a time-out on a rug in the narthex.  It's no longer a fun playing ground.  The narthex is the new punishment center.  

After two weeks of this, Jane is learning that she gets to see and do more inside of the church.  Outside, she has to sit in one spot and have a time-out.  Inside, she gets to watch the priest, sing, pray, shake peoples' hands, move around the pew (sit, stand, kneel), read her Busy Bible, and retrieve Walt's binkie.  Inside of church is way more fun than the narthex now! 

We continue to sit in the front pew whenever possible, so the less than perfect moments are still very humbling.  Jane is making great strides, and we just might be able to get through an entire Mass without one of us leaving with her once.  

Lesson learned:  Listen to good advice from friends, especially when it's the tough love variety.  The hard advice is hard because it means we're doing something wrong.  Who wants to admit that they're doing something wrong?  That's hard, and it takes practice.  That's what Christian charity's all about, after all--fraternal correction in a spirit of love.  Thank goodness for good friends who tell us when we're doing it all wrong!  The sooner we admit that they're right, the sooner we can get on with making things better.      

"Why I Hate Religion, But Love Jesus"

The viral video "Why I Hate Religion, But Love Jesus" has over 15,000,000 hits on YouTube as I'm typing this blog post.  Jefferson Bethke, 22, posted this video to YouTube, and a few of his ideas include:

• "Jesus came to abolish religion"
• "Voting Republican really wasn't His mission" 
• Religion "builds huge churches" but "fails to feed to the poor"
• It's not a place of love or acceptance for single mothers that have divorced
• "Jesus hated religion"
• Jesus "was called a glutton, and a drunkard" so most churches won't let him in
• "Jesus and religion are on opposite spectrum"
• Religion is a "man made invention"
• "one is the cure (Jesus), but the other's the infection (religion)"
• "Religion puts you in bondage, while Jesus sets you free"

So many things to respond to here!  Hopefully seeing the words written out instead of in rapped version make Bethke's message clear:  Jesus hates religion.  Here's the video if you want to see it for yourself.

Fortunately, a lot of people, people who are much smarter and more eloquent than me, have come up with some fabulous responses to this video.  I'd like to share two of my favorites.  

The first is a video response from phatmass.com.  Fr. Claude (Dusty) Burns aka "Pontifex" says that "the purpose of the video is to do a response from a Catholic perspective, in a spirit of love, but also with a spirit of passion to defend our Mother the Church. The things that are said are not meant to offend, but we do have to be direct about what we believe and what we stand for."

Go directly to the video and scroll down to read the words to the lyrics.  

My other favorite video response is by Fr. Robert Barron, creator of the Catholicism series.  

As usual, Fr. Barron's message is very rich in content.  Do yourself a favor and watch the last two minutes of Fr. Barron's response for a solid Catholic response to "Why I Hate Religion, But Love Jesus."

Next time "Why I Hate Religion, But Love Jesus" pops up in your Facebook newsfeed, I hope you'll consider posting one of these videos in response. 

Let's Talk About Sex!

I spent the afternoon talking with high school students about chastity.  I told them about my experiences with dating, wedding preparation, and married life.  After my relationship history, I gave reasons for why I recommend a commitment to chastity and gave them practical tips on how to put chastity into action.  Afterward, I left time for questions.  It took them a while to warm up, but the questions showed me their serious thought on the topic as well as their misunderstandings on a few things.


"If we're in love, is it wrong for us to have sex?"


"Do you think it would have mattered if you had had sex with your husband before you got married?  You ended up together anyway."


"How did you remain committed to chastity when it was tough?"


"What's the big deal if you and your boyfriend sleep next to each other?  Who cares what anybody else thinks if you know you're not having sex?"


"What if I already lost my virginity?  What do I do now?"


"Why do we have to live chastity in marriage as Catholics?  Why can't we just have sex whenever we want and use condoms?"


"If someone was married, gets divorced and remarries, what's wrong with them having sex with their second spouse?"


I was prepared to hear anything, so I fielded the questions without batting an eye.  (Chastity.com was a tremendous resource.  Thank you, Jason Evert!)  I think my answers were helpful, several students personally thanked me for coming, and I left feeling like I might have impacted some of them to consider adopting chastity.  Thank You, Holy Spirit!   


Janie and Walt had come along with me, and they played with study hall students in the Campus Ministry room while I gave my presentation to three different classes.  As I packed them up and buckled them into their carseats, something struck me:  my babies aren't always going to be babies, and they are going to have these same questions. 


I already knew that, and Philip and I have talked several times about how we want to teach our children about their sexuality.  Somehow, though, hearing the high school students' questions, seeing the hurt of those who had lost their virginity, and hearing the misconceptions of the Church's teaching on sexuality made the reality of my role as a parent educator more imminent. 


Philip and I agree that it is our joint responsibility as parents to give our children a life-long sex education.  We won't just have "the talk."  We will have continuous, age-appropriate conversations about the gift of sexuality, what it is, and how we celebrate it.  We want our children to learn that sex is a wonderful, beautiful thing, and that it is something they should anticipate with great joy if they are called to the vocation of marriage.  I'm not so naive as to think that our kids will come to us every time they have a sex-related question or that they aren't seeking out answers elsewhere.  I do hope, though, that they will look to us as a loving, credible, and supportive source of information.


A student today asked, "What are you going to do if you find out that one of your kids loses their virginity before marriage?"


Apparently I didn't have to think about it because I heard myself say,  "Well, I think my husband and I would be disappointed.  I think we would tell them that.  But we'd quickly follow that up by saying that we love them, that we're glad they're still comfortable confiding in us, and that we want them to know that making a mistake doesn't make them a bad person or a failure.  God doesn't hold grudges like we do.  Fortunately, we have the gift of confession where we receive His forgiveness, and as an added bonus, we receive the graces to be built up with holy armor against whatever sins we're struggling with.  Although they can't get their virginity back, it's never too late to reclaim a lifestyle of chastity and save sex for marriage."    


Aside from the reminder that my role as parent sex educator is here, I realized that (1) we don't know what's in store for our children, and (2) that a lot of it is out of our hands.  All we can do as parents is give them the information, pray that they will make the right choices, and love them through the consequences of those choices, both positive and negative. 


When push comes to shove, if my kids make a mistake, I hope I'll love like the father in the story of the Prodigal Son.  The Prodigal Son asked for his inheritance before his father was even dead and then "squandered his property in loose living."  We all know what that means! 


I think I tear up every time I read the story and the son figures out what he did wrong and returns to his father.

Rembrandt's "The Prodigal Son"

Luke 15:20 And he arose and came to his father. But while he was yet at a distance, his father saw him and had compassion, and ran and embraced him and kissed him. 

So, if my babies make a mistake, even a really big one like asking us for their inheritance before we're dead and squandering it on loose living, I hope they'll know that we'll still run to them, hug them, and kiss them.  They'll always be our babies, after all.  


(Note:  Readers, when push inevitably comes to shove, I'm counting on you to tell me to eat my words.)

Siblings Side by Side

Here are Janie and Walt at 4, 5, 6, and 7 months side by side.  Can you tell which one is which?  Hint: the bow might help!

Four Months

 Five Months

 Six Months

Seven Months

Who is who?
Four months:  Walt, Janie
Five months:  Walt, Janie
Six months:  Janie, Walt
Seven months:  Janie, Walt

From a Crib to a Daybed

Jane's always been a climber.  She literally took things to new heights when she learned how to vault herself out of her crib.  We decided this was no longer safe, took one of the walls off of Jane's crib, and converted it into a daybed last night.


I was nervous about the whole thing because Jane also learned how to open doors last week.  (Yes, we're adding baby-proofing the doorknobs to the shopping and to-do lists.)  In the meantime, we stuck a gate outside of Jane's closed bedroom door so that (in theory) she can't escape unnoticed during the night. 


Last night went surprisingly smoothly!  Jane only got out of bed once.  Philip put Jane right back into her crib, laid down on the ground next to her, and waited until she calmed down.  When she was calm but still awake, Philip told her "goodnight" like usual, walked away, and closed the door.  Silence.  She slept until 6:30 this morning!  I heard her get out of her crib, go to the door, and say, "Mama!  Where are you?" while she fumbled with the doorknob. 


Waking up earlier than usual combined with a fun playdate yesterday must have worn her out.  Jane was a tired girl this morning.  When I was in the middle of dusting, Jane ran off to her bedroom.  She's been wanting to play in there independently lately--trying on costumes, playing with her kitchen, working on puzzles, etc.  I let her play for a few minutes before I went to check on her.


The door was shut, the light was on, and this is what I found.

Jane had put on her tutu, found her binkie in the basket on her changing table, climbed into her new daybed with "Doggy," and passed out.  

She's totally her mother's daughter.  We love our naps, and we'll get sleep at any cost--with or without tutus and lights.  Seeing Jane like this reminded me of a photo I took when she was 7 months old (same age as Walt!).  Clearly, we still needed all four walls of the crib attached! 

 
Oh, how I love those sweet chunky legs! 


Here's to hoping that the daybed transition continues to be a smooth one.  Keep those prayers coming!  :) 

WARNING: Unripe Butternut Squash Fight Back

I made a yummy butternut squash lasagna recipe last night for dinner.  It required 3 cups of diced, peeled butternut squash.  I spent a fair amount of time peeling and dicing them.  

When I was done, I noticed a film on my left hand, the hand that was holding the squash.  It started to turn red and the skin felt constricted.  I ran it under water thinking that the film would wash off.  I've always struggled with eczema and extremely sensitive skin so I wasn't alarmed--until the skin on my left hand started to peel away and flake.  It was as if I had done a chemical peel on my hand!  

I had never cooked with butternut squash before, so I just assumed that its tough texture (very similar to a sweet potato) was typical.  Apparently butternut squash fight back when they're not quite ripe.  

When an animal tries to eat the squash before it is ripe, it releases a liquid that seals off the exposed area.  The liquid dries to create a kind of scab.  This scab protects the squash and allows it to continue to ripen without spoilage.  Unfortunately, this same liquid which protects the squash absolutely destroys human hands when we cut them before they're ripe!

Here are a few pictures of my hands from last night.  I must warn you that they're pretty gross!

Comparing my left and right hands.  Parts of my right hand got the liquid on it, but my left hand must have gotten covered.

To avoid this same fate again, I wanted to learn how I can tell when I butternut squash is ripe.  According to the National Vegetable Society in the UK, "You can tell when the fruit is ripe by the texture of the skin. It becomes very firm, golden in colour and will easily resist the pressure of your thumb nail. Also, like a melon, it "rings" when given a good rap."  Real Simple says, "Pick a squash that is rock solid and heavy for its size. Its skin should be matte; a shiny finish is a sign that the squash wasn’t ripe when it was picked."

No more unripe butternut squash will be peeled in this house if my hands can help it!

 

Mass With 2 Under 2

Going to Mass with 2 under 2 has been a challenge.  Before we had Walt, we used to take turns taking Janie out of the church and into the narthex if she got ants in her pants.  When we had Walt, we had to move to a man-to-man defense.  I usually take care of Walt, and Philip usually takes care of Janie.  Whenever the day comes that we are ready for Baby #3, we'll have to move on to a zone defense.  We really need to work on our defense strategy before then.  

We struggle to keep Janie quiet and still for any extended period of time.  Fortunately, Jane received a wonderful present from Philip's parents for Christmas!  (Thank you, Mimi and Papa!)  This present has greatly improved our Mass-going experience.  This awesome present is a Busy Bible.

According to the company website,

The basic idea of a Busy Bible is to provide a book of cloth pages, incorporating simple and quiet activities - things to touch, discover, pull, open, turn, arrange and fashion.  While the child is playing with the book, he is also learning Biblical stories and principles.

The Busy Bible contains 12 pages of Bible stories beginning at creation and following through the Old and New Testaments, giving children a sense of wonder and discovery as they learn about great heroes of the Bible.

We keep our Busy Bible stored away during the week and only bring it out as a special treat when we're going to Mass.  Jane has several other faith-related kids' books such as a Children's Bible, a book of saints, prayers, etc. that we read during the week, but the Busy Bible only makes an appearance at Mass.  The flaps, snaps, Velco, buttons, zippers, and felt figured keep Jane very busy and engaged. 

Unfortunately, Jane still gets ants in her pants around the homily each week, and she refuses to sit still.  She arches her back and insists on being let down.  Philip usually has to leave with her at some point during the homily and return during the general intercessions. 

Sitting in the front pew seems counter-intuitive and scary, but it helps.  Jane is much more interested in what's going on when she can see the priest, lectors, servers, etc. and she isn't distracted by people in front of her.  Her focus doesn't last, though.  Can I tell you how humbling it is to sit in the front pew, especially when your church pews are configured like a horseshoe and your child's temper tantrum is on display for the entire congregation? 

Each week, Jane seems more and more interested in participating in the Mass.  Imitating us and everything she sees is her new favorite pastime.  She's starting to fold her hands, join in the responses, imitate the choir director, and loudly repeat what the priest says.  We're still working on our whispering skills and not talking in church.  She loves being able to use her senses--seeing the action on the altar and around her, hearing the music and melody of the prayers and bells, reaching out to shake everyone's hands during the Sign of Peace, smelling the incense.  The "smells and bells" are supposed to draw us in, and it's definitely working for one toddler I know!         

What do all of you with young children do to encourage them to be relatively still and quiet during Mass?  

Perhaps I should find a weekday Mass at a church with a crying room where we can practice sitting still without disturbing others...